Generation gap and its impact on Pakistani culture

We had a project meeting with our Organizational Theory & Design teacher. In this semester, he had given us full autonomy about where we wanted to go with our report. The topic, the word limit, point of focus, reporting style-it was to be entirely as we saw fit. Obviously, being told that we could do whatever we wanted, we were bewilderingly clueless what that was supposed to be! So we trooped into his office and began throwing around ideas.

During the course of the discussion, we somehow wound up discussing families. Our sir proposed the idea of documenting a family unit as the most historical form of organization and its innumerable facets pertaining line of command and central control figure-the whole ‘head of the family’ deal. It was a very unique idea indeed. One of my friends said that it might not work because most families of today are not the strict, father-controlled ones, at least in the educated urban masses. She quoted the example of how her father had wanted her to pursue engineering as a career - in line with their family business of an oil refinery company. She told him her interests lay elsewhere and she was now doing BBA. She continued that even in matrimonial matters, parents were not so pushy anymore. Our sir responded with a ‘Laa haula wala quwat!’ one of the guys in our group was also present in this meeting and he piped up too. He said that even now, the question of who-to-marry was a matter strictly mulled over by a confederation of aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends and married siblings with the concerned party’s parents. A candidate was shortlisted and soon thereafter the ceremonial dates were fixed.

I started thinking about the matter. This whole dilemma between parents and their offspring. From the child’s perspective, why do parents love to interfere? It’s either do as they say, or else you’re an ungrateful child. Matters of matrimony, education, career, friends, interests, in one or the other, parents have to have their say. From the parents’ standpoint, isn’t it their right to do that? The phenomenon of bringing a child into this world and looking after him/her for 15 to 20 odd years and suddenly being told that your opinions are no longer significant - how do you just blithely accept that?

Who but Allah has put it into the father’s nature to work hard from morning till evening, and sometimes into the nights? And then to spend most of what he earns, if not all, (for parents go without their needs, sometimes, even food) to provide for his children’s physical, educational and social needs? [Source]

Perceptions are tricky things. What parents might chance to see as dangerous or a waste of time, the same things could hold paramount importance for their son/daughter. But that’s normal right? It’s not just a parent-child thing, each one of us is unique and different and it is only rational to anticipate a certain amount of conflict in all our relations and dealings. You just continue by emphasizing on the similarities as opposed to the problem areas and trying your best to override the differences. The thing is; at what point do you stop trying? When do you finally give up putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, get a better picture of where they are coming from and decide to forgive and forget. And what happens, if the relation that you’re thinking about giving up on is the one with your parent? Or vice versa? It’s all courtesy of the Generation Gap.

Miscommunication and pride are the primary reasons for the generation gap. These traits are quietly encouraged in society and are filtered through media (whatever form it may be). The family unit must relinquish attachment to these constrictive ideas. Families should communicate honestly without fear of consequence. Try it out - one day we may be able to hold a conversation without the dreaded “I’ve been around for a lot longer than you. [Source]

It’s true isn’t it? We all have our pride, and it often muddles up our balanced thinking. For instance, you might take a lot of interest in theatre, but the prospect of your own son making it a career for himself is just downright appalling to you. You’re angry, and most of it is pouring forth because of hurt pride and to a certain extent - a sense of failure.

You spent the last 18 years dreaming about passing on the torch to your darling son and see him take the business to unprecedented heights. Perhaps you’re a barrister and have been touting your son’s power of oratory since he was 4! You are brought to a standstill when your son announces that he is more interested in performing in auditoriums and not court-rooms. You look at all the sacrifices you made, all the comforts you gave up to ensure his good education and the final career choice-in your eyes-is a juvenile decision. No fixed income stream, one job lasting no more than 4-8 months and the hours are just mind-boggling. You feel all this, but the only thing you manage to tell your child is that he’s being silly and moronic.

The son, on the other hand, sees drama school as a serious line of study and rigorous training. It is a tough field with emphasis on natural rather than acquired talents and you know you have what it takes. You can tell the trend of theatre is only just budding in Pakistan and you could make a lucrative living by investing yourself in this art form. The only thing that comes out when you’re talking to your father, though, is how you don’t find Law interesting, you never said you’d become a lawyer, never asked your father to save up for School and you should be allowed to do what you do as an independent adult.

On both sides, it is exacerbation at its best. Both parties unintentionally misrepresent themselves and the gap widens because of miscommunication.

Each new generation is becoming more and more daring and exploratory than its predecessor and it isn’t going down too well. It’s not just about the BIG choices. It affects all the mundane decisions too-music, clothes, hobbies, food, sleeping patterns and even our reliance on tele-media.

My mother is always complaining that I am always texting. To her it’s a waste of time and consists of forwarding jokes and going “heyyyaa” to my friends. Lots of people in my class usually ask me about assignments, quizzes, presentations and other related stuff. I might talk to my friends via messaging, but oft times I’m just helping someone some out. It infuriates me when she starts with the “you do nothing except SMS all day long” speech. Maybe if I made them read all my messages they would think differently, because I have tried so many times to tell her that someone’s very worried about a quiz and they want to know what topics are coming and all I’m doing is trying to help. It’s the same when I am on MSN. For the last couple of weeks, each time I have logged on, it has been for the sole purpose of a group chat to discuss projects and presentations. We all try coming home early and if we need to discuss something as a group, online chatting is our only salvation. But since they can’t hear us, they just assume its nonsensical chatting. In their youth, internet and mobiles didn’t even exist. They have the belief of individual study and talking on the phone. Any variation is regarded as juvenile.

Parents get up early, children sleep in late. Our music gives them a headache, theirs puts us to sleep. They don’t know what e-books are; most kids find the idea of carrying around tomes too cumbersome. Technology might have made life easier, but perspectives of the pre- and post-generations are very dissimilar. The Thai proverb, “Those who follow their elders don’t get bitten by dogs” is undoubtedly substantiated, but because of all the new choices presented to us which weren’t even there before, there can be a rift. I think this is why nuclear families are becoming more and more common in our part of the world. It is easier to split up on amicable terms rather than continue in strife. Right after graduation, the kids shift into apartments and take up jobs in different cities. Each lives their lives according to their respective ideologies.

Follow this link for a humorous take on this issue. On a serious note though, this gap is one crucial reason why child/teen depression has become so rampant. There is only so much that you can derive from a biological connection. Mental incompatibility leaves the child insecure and unloved and the parents feeling like a failure and tyrant. Respect and compromise is eroded away and the relation dwindles into 2-3 perfunctory meetings per year, as distance is the most viable option.

The stark truth is that in their own right, no one is entirely to blame. We grow up in a certain manner and it is only human nature to replicate our way of life in the new generation; whereas the environment they face is entirely different. It’s like a square peg in a round hole. It can only be hoped that if the present generation feels disgruntled by their relationship with their elders, they will make greater efforts to understand their future generations. If they are told that they are outspoken and ungrateful, they will teach their own children otherwise right from the start, rather than when matters turn sour. They would be less rigid and more tolerant of their child’s whims and ensure uninhibited communication. The ordeal of the present generations’ could serve the purpose of solidifying the bonds in generations-to-come, because of the lessons that were learnt.