Dowry or Jahaiz Culture in our Society

It has been quite some time since I heard about a particular wedding scandal. Nevertheless, it was atrocious to say the least and has stuck in my mind ever since. It was an Indian wedding and the groom went with his father-in-law to inspect the dowry. It was quite a big room, chock full of valuables ranging from a TV, refrigerator, bike to clothes, jewellery and so forth.

The verdict: There should have been a car as well!

The distraught father pleaded that he had nothing more left, but to no avail. The guy threatened to walk off if he wasn’t promised a car. In desperation, the father complied. As it were, the daughter found out about the “deal” one way or another and she refused to be tied up with a greedy pig for the rest of her life!

I remember thinking how brave the girl was but I also recall the misery of her father. It just filled me with gratitude for living somewhere where brides were not subjected to such a materialistic weighing down.

It’s hilarious how totally off the mark my judgement was.

A few years ago, my sister was invited by her colleague to her daughter’s wedding. The cards were sent out and her wedding dress, jewellery, trousseau, hall bookings, salon appointments-everything was ready.

There was barely more than a fortnight left when all of a sudden everything was cancelled. No one could have imagined the cards would be played out like this and it was flabbergasting to say the least.

We found out the reason eventually. The guy and his family had come to visit and the topic of inheritance was brought up. The father of the bride mentioned that there was a piece of land that would be transferred in his daughter’s name and a few other things which would be jointly owned by the couple. The guy said that the property should be transferred to his name instead, to which the father responded that this was his daughter’s inheritance, just like all his children had been bequeathed-not a wedding gift. The property would remain in his daughter’s name. The guy insisted that what belonged to his wife would come to him anyways so it should go straight to his name. He remained adamant on this point and was backed by his parents. Fearing the consequences of their non-compliance, the bride’s parents gave in.

The daughter was furious at the pressure put on her parents. She spoke to her fiancée again, but he refused point-blank to have the property in her name. Even joint ownership was not palatable to him. The papers had to be drawn up under his name alone.

My sister was a friend of the bride’s mother and this is the only reason why she got to know the truth. Even though they had not done anything wrong, their daughter’s interests were at stake and there was no point in airing dirty laundry.

Even though the dowry system does have a weak standing in our society, its believers practise it with rigidity. Only a few days back, a friend was telling me about her cousin’s wedding preparations. There was talk of 70 heavily embroidered suits, numerous jewellery sets, miscellaneous household items and to top it all of-a fully carved and crafted master bed. I just gaped at her. She assured me that her cousin was an only daughter and had hitherto spent life with a silver spoon in her mouth. This mountain of gifts was bestowed with blessed free will, but it would be nonsensical to pretend that this is always the case.

Irfan Mirza while commenting at Pakistaniat.com has following opinion on this willing act of bridal gifts as Jahaiz:

There is no harm in dowry as it is a gift by the parents of the bride. But if a demand list is produced by the bridegroom side than the marriage must not be commenced at all. The marriage must only take place if the bridegroom is contented to accept the girl with or without dowry.

This reflection hits the nail right on the head. I have a friend whose parents gifted her husband a car. One of my father’s cousins got an apartment from her father. Willingly given; gratefully accepted-nothing wrong with that. Alas, this simple tradition has been distorted into: If not willingly given; then forcefully taken.

The practice of dowry among ignorant Muslims is a result of the influence of the evil practices of the society they live in. Islam does not put any financial burden on the father of the girl. A Muslim father is told to get his daughter married away in a most simple ‘Nikah’ ceremony solemnized by a ‘Qazi’ (priest) in a mosque, witnessed by his close relatives and friends. He is not even required to throw a luncheon to the handful of invitees assembled for this occasion. [Source]

I have a married sister and thankfully, the jahaiz system isn’t perpetuated in our stratum, but it is deeply rooted in others. Those poor girls want to do away with all these shenanigans too, but it is easier to look from afar and say, “doesn’t matter what your community thinks; stand up for yourself.” Whatever the right thing may be; social standing matters a great deal. There are few amongst us so stouthearted, that they dare to openly defy the whole society and risk communal ostracism. People will not burst into applause like in the movies. If not their scorn, their coldness will break your spirit.

We need not look further than our beloved Rasul-ul-Allah (S.A.W) to get a fair idea of the requirements of a bride’s dowry. He got his daughters married in the simplest possible manner. I will conclude my article with following narration by Ibn e Hibbaan:

The best of marriage is that which is made easiest. [Source]

Do share your comments and views with us on this important social issue.

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